Actually I am not happy at all, I am MAD and frustrated and confused. Ugh!! I just want to scream. Of course my IVF couldn't go smooth and problem free, nothing has gone smooth over these last 3 years of trying to get pregnant. Can't I just get a freaking break for once?!?!
Yesterday I went in for my regular monitoring and since it was a weekend I saw the on-call doctor. When he was looking at my lining he noticed a small mass in my uterus. He acted casual about it but said that I should come back tomorrow morning (meaning today) to have Dr. Blauer take a look. Of course, since I am a stress freak, I started freaking out when I got home and bawling and was so worried all day. I had my dad and Alan give me a blessing which made me feel much better. Soo grateful to them and the Priesthood!
So I went in this morning for my ultrasound and my doctor also saw the mass. He said it looks like a small polyp which may or may not effect my ability to get pregnant. So our options are: cancel my current cycle, lose a few thousand dollars, get the polyp removed and do IVF again in a few months. OR move forward and hope that it is small enough that it won't matter and we can still get pregnant even with a small polyp in my uterus. Either way we are taking a risk so I am at a loss.
If we cancel it we lose money and have to pay more money to do it again, plus the money we have to pay for the testing and removal of the polyp. And on top of that its just more time waiting to do IVF and having to put it off yet again.
But if we do continue forward right now we take the risk of IVF not working and losing even more money if we had just cancelled it right now. And having to deal with going through all of this just for it not to work, which would be heartbreaking. Or if it does work there is the worry of miscarriage because of the polyp. If we do move forward we can only hope that we have enough eggs to freeze so, if it doesn't work, we can hopefully do a frozen cycle in the next few months after we remove the polyp.
So basically right now I am at a loss. I feel like throwing in the towel, walking away, and giving up hope that I will ever have kids. I am too mad to decide what to do right now. I am too mad to pray about it. I am frustrated with the whole thing - with my doctor for not finding it sooner, with the fact that I even have to deal with all of this crap, with the fact that nothing can go smoothly with this baby trying process - just frustrated with the whole thing basically. I am worried and confused and have been a crying mess since yesterday.
Ill update you all of what we decide. Maybe Ill have a clear mind after some takeout, Red Mango and The Bachelor! Reality TV always seems to help :)
6 comments:
oh no, i am so sorry, sarah.
I'm so sorry, Sar. If you want to talk, you can call me. This is all so frustrating.
If it were me (which it's not and this is of course your decision), I think I would cancel and take care of the polyp. I only say that because our IVF wasn't going as smoothly as it could have, and I wish we'd cancelled and started over again. It was just heartbreaking to have a cycle go not smoothly, then end up with crappy embryos and nothing to freeze. Plus we were only doing one cycle, so that was it.
But I'm sure you and Alan will make whatever decision is best for you. Thinking about and praying for you!
i am so sorry you have had this happen to you. please do not give up whatever you decide and please continue writing about the process, so we can continue to know whats going on and pray for you. i know you and alan will make the right choice. but please take care of yourselfe. (the bachelor does help whenever life gets us down.)
I haven't looked at your blog for a long time but came to see what cute outfits you've been wearing lately (totally a creeper, I'll admit it :) and was so sorry to read about this. I've never met you but my heart aches for you! My husband and I never attempted IVF because of the money and I was too chicken, (went straight for adoption) so I admire you for even attempting this. I read an article one time where someone asked Elder Eyring (I think it was him) about infertility. He said that he didn't know why some couples could conceive and some couldn't, but he did know that the trial of infertility teaches us many of the same things as parenthood- patience, long suffering, endurance, compassion etc. I admire your courage in this whole process and hope that you get some good news soon.
OH NO!!! this sucks, sarah. i am so so sad and sorry. what a bummer. i hope you'll feel at peace with whatever you choose. decisions like this are the worst!!! good luck, i am thinking of you!! i am inspired by your courage..
Sarah I'm in absolute tears right now... Tears that life has gotten in the way of our friendship and that u r going through this trial and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it for you. my bishop in church said that our faith does not eliminate stress, they actually go hand in hand. Keep having faith and remember we r praying for u, love u. I hope I see u soon. Love u I miss u, miss hangin out everyday at work. Miss our runs. :)
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