Not this time

Well the wait is over, we have our answer and unfortunately it wasn't the answer we were hoping for.

I started spotting a few days ago and then it just got worse, so we pretty much knew since Wednesday that it was going to be negative, but I also had hope because people always say that things like that happen when you are pregnant. But since it got worse with each day, I spent each night crying and worrying.  Yesterday we got the actual confirmation that it did not work so we spent the day having fun - retail therapy at the JCrew Outlet, dinner, watching movies, ice cream in bed.

Thanks to others for helping me through this, I have found some comfort.  I can't thank you all enough for all that you've done for us during this time, I am truly overwhelmed by all of the amazing support I have in my life. I have never felt more loved. THANK YOU!!

Lize sent me this talk on Thursday and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  

But If Not

Bethany Christensen

BYU Women’s Conference 2010

"It feels a little bit funny to be speaking about unanswered prayers or when prayers seem unanswered. As Latter-day Saints we usually showcase our best gospel stories in lessons and testimony meetings, the ones where prayers are answered, sickness is healed, accidents are avoided, keys are found, neighborly visits are inspired, or someone is baptized.

 However, in our lives there are times when our prayers seem unanswered and righteous desires are unfulfilled. Perhaps within the walls of this room, there are some dear sisters who, despite pleading with the Lord, have experienced the untimely death of a husband, or sat beside the bed of a chronically ill child; and there may be others who kneel down each night and yearn for the blessings and challenges associated with a marriage and children of their own.

 When life deviates from our own self-plotted courses, we may look to the heavens and demand, “This is not how I pictured it”. ­­­­­­When our earthly patience has worn thin and our self imposed “waiting periods” have expired, we may assume that the Lord has forgotten us.  

 My husband and I had been married for eight years before we were blessed with our son through the miracle of adoption. He is now four years old and the light of our lives.

 During the course of this challenge, our friends seemed to be on the fast track we so desperately wanted to be on; having babies, and struggling with the many things that new parents do.  I would often find myself on the sidelines of a conversation about pregnancy, giving birth, nursing, and parenting little ones.  These conversations were impossible to avoid and left me feeling alone, isolated and angry. I felt like an outsider watching others live the life I wanted for myself and wondering why the Lord would not answer my prayers and fulfill my righteous desire to be a mother.

 Early on I felt like I understood the Lord’s plan for us. When we found out that we could not have children on our own, I thought, “This is a test and we are going to pass it with flying colors.” We would fast, pray, attend the temple, receive priesthood blessings and undergo the necessary medical treatments in order to create our miracle baby. Surely the Lord would bless us with something so eternally significant. It wasn’t like we were praying for a new car – we wanted a baby. President Uchtdorf said, “The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul… If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them.”

 We were devastated over and over again as the outcomes to our costly attempts at having a baby were always negative. Eventually our emotional, spiritual and financial reserves were spent and the irony associated with this trial became the most difficult part of the test. How could the Lord withhold this blessing from our family? Did we not deserve to be parents? Why were some less deserving, even neglectful and abusive parents given the opportunity to have children when we weren’t? Did the Lord hear our prayers? And if he did why did he ignore them?

As we study the great plan of happiness and the purpose of our lives here on earth, we come to realize that this is actually “just how we pictured it”. We knew that the purpose of this life was to obtain a body and to be tested.  We knew we would experience firsthand the bittersweet opposition in all things. We knew that we would be tempted, tried and refined through adversity. All of this was designed “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man”. While we have been blessed with the ability to communicate with our Father in Heaven and to exercise our faith through fasting, prayer, and priesthood blessings, we cannot expect to be exempt from the very purpose of our lives – the tests.     

 President Kimball points out “If all the sick for whom we pray were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended. No man would have to live by faith.”

 “If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good but not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, only satanic controls."

 “Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and godhood.”

Knowing all of this we still wanted to come to earth and have this mortal experience.

Be content with the things allotted unto us.

In 1987 Emily Perl Kingsley wrote an essay entitled: Welcome to Holland. She says:

“I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

 When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

 After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

 But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

 So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

 It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

 But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

 And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

 

 But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.”

And so it is in our lives too…at first there is a shock “This is not how I pictured it”. But once we decide to accept and trust in the Lord’s plan for us, we can begin to appreciate the many blessings that are also in store.

Being “content with the things allotted unto” us takes great faith – and a shift in our focus from the things we do not have to the talents and blessings which we have been given.  As we do this, faith will replace doubt, hope will replace despair, and charity will replace self-pity.

President Kimball reassuringly states “I am positive in my mind that the Lord has planned our destiny. Sometime we’ll understand fully, and when we see back from the vantage point of the future, we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life that were so difficult for us to comprehend.”

 Through the atonement of Jesus Christ “all things can work together for our good.” Because He took upon himself, not only our sins but, all of our “infirmities”, weakness, sickness, sorrows and grief – he knows from experience how to “succor” us, how to rescue us, and how to help us find peace in the midst of trials.

 Elder Maxwell said “deprivations such as these can end up being like excavations that make room for greatly enlarged souls.”

Elder Holland said “Just because God is God, just because Christ is Christ, they cannot do other than care for us and bless us and help us if we will but come unto them, approaching their throne of grace in meekness and lowliness of heart. They can’t help but bless us. They have to. It is their nature. That is why Joseph Smith gave those lectures on faith, so we would understand the nature of godliness and in the process have enough confidence to come unto Christ and find peace to our souls. There is not a single loophole or curveball or open trench to fall into for the man or woman who walks the path that Christ walks. When he says, ‘Come, follow me’ (Luke 18:22), he means that he knows where the quicksand is and where the thorns are and the best way to handle the slippery slope near the summit of our personal mountains. He knows it all, and he knows the way. He is the way.” 

I testify that even though our prayers at times may seem unanswered - our prayers are never in vain. As we yearn for the righteous desires of our hearts to be fulfilled, we must also be patient and trusting of the Lord’s plan for us. “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

 We can be sure that the Lord teaches us and blesses us with the things that He knows we stand in need of and that there will come a day, if we are righteous and endure to the end, when all things shall be given unto us.

 Elder Wirthlin said: “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”


Until next time......

Transfer

So the day after egg retrieval (Friday) we got the news on our eggs. The news wasn't very good unfortunately. We had 18 eggs retrieved, but only 8 of them were mature enough to fertilize. (Which we knew would probably be the case). 8 mature isn't too bad so we weren't that distraught. However, of the 8 that they fertilized through ICSI only 3 took. THREE!! Are you kidding! All of this work, 18 eggs and we only had 3 eggs left. Ugh! But it only takes one I guess.

So with invitro you can do a Day 3 or a Day 5 transfer. Usually when you have a lot of eggs you would do a Day 5 transfer, giving them 5 days to grow and split and then you know what ones are the very strongest. But with so few eggs a Day 3 transfer is better. It's better to get them in you, in their natural environment, to hopefully continue growing. So that's what we went with. We went in this morning to get our eggs transferred back in.

Dr. Harry Hatasaka was the doctor to do the transfer which I was way happy about. He is the doctor that I originally wanted but he wasn't contracted with our insurance (not that insurance covers anything anyways!). He comes from the U of U and is a very good doctor. He was so awesome today, such a nice guy and very thorough.

So we went in today and got even more bad news (this has become almost comical now with the bad news we keep receiving! Not really, but kinda!) So of the 3 eggs, they were all not the best quality. One was pretty decent and normal, another one was worse than that, and the other one was very poor quality and not even worth it. So we transferred in the 2 okay eggs and are hoping for the best!

No matter the outcome I am just ready for this process to end. It has been way more emotionally exhausting than I ever imagined. Like I said, I am not very emotional and I don't let things get to me very easy, but this has almost put me over the edge. It's probably due to all of the meds and hormones that I'm putting into my body! I have become a crazy person. I am also sick of feeling gross, bloated, crampy, etc. I am soo ready to get all of this out of system and move on from this, no matter the outcome.

Fingers and toes crossed, good thoughts and lots and lots of prayers! Now we just wait.....

Egg Retreival

Our egg retrieval was yesterday, boy am I glad that is over.  Our time was at 1pm and we were supposed to arrive at 12:30.  So we get there, get all ready, and then the anesthesiologist was AN HOUR late, I was livid. But trying to be calm.  He got there at about 2pm, put me into a wonderful sleep and they took out my eggs. I had 26 follicles but 18 of them had eggs in them.  They then fertilized them and will call me later today with how many were able to be fertilized.  I have been sick all day waiting for the call. 

The procedure went well - I woke up super loopy and Al got some great footage of me saying weird things! I wasn't able to eat or drink all day before it, so after the surgery they gave me some apple juice and then we stopped by Red Mango and I had a few bites of that.  And then the awfulness kicked in and I got SO sick.  I don't know if it was from not eating all day and then eating sugary foods, or from the meds, anesthesia  or what, but last night was not fun.  I was nauseous and throwing up all night.  Maddie and Jordan were so nice to stop by with treats, flowers and magazines and then Alan's parents brought us soup from Zupas and also chicken broth, crackers, ginger ale, etc. They were life savers.  My doctor called me in Zofran at about 9pm since I will still so sick so Al went to pick that up and I took it which helped so much - I was finally able to sleep which was good.  I woke up a few times in the night but now I feel okay. Still a little queasy but after a shower and soup I am starting to feel better.  Just nervous for the call about my eggs. 

Thanks to all of you for everything you've done - texts, emails, meals, flowers, etc. I can't thank you enough! And I'll tell you one thing, right now I would never do IVF again! Way too much emotional pain, physical pain, anxiety, etc. I don't think I can handle it again! :) I'll update on the egg situation tomorrow!

A little nervous before the retrieval :)

Update

Here is my current update: After talking to my doctor, he thinks that that size of the polyp is too small for it to change anything. But I wanted to get some more opinions so my dad called his friend who is an OB at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale - he didn't even think twice about continuing. I still wanted one more opinion because I am crazy like that so I called my OB, Dr. Terry and I talked to his nurse, Cyndee, and she was the same way - didn't think the polyp would make one bit of difference, especially considering its size.

So me and Alan prayed about it, talked about it, slept on it - and we decided to continue with the process. I feel at peace with this decision no matter what the outcome is. Although I'm sure if IVF doesn't work I'll be kicking myself! But for now I feel good about it. Of course I am still uneasy and worried about the outcome, a part of me thinks that we should wait and cancel the cycle. But thinking about doing that gives me a worse feeling so I know that moving forward is the right thing for us at this point. I am just asking for loooots of prayers and faith in our behalf that things will go well.

So on to another update - I had another checkup today and the polyp actually looked the same or even a little smaller than yesterday which is good. I have about 26 follicles right now. 8 of those are good and ready. 18 of them, however, are in the medium size range. Also my estrogen levels are really high, which is good but also bad when it comes to over-stimulating. Which brings up another issue that we needed to make a decision on today. Either do the trigger shot tonight with egg retrieval on Thursday - with that there are less chances of over stimulating (which can be very dangerous) but I might not get as many eggs as I would if I waited another day to trigger. Obviously it only takes 1 egg to get pregnant, but with IVF the more eggs the merrier because then you have more options to choose from and also you have some, or more eggs to freeze for future use.

The next option is to wait until tomorrow to trigger with retrieval on Friday. The pro to that is the possibly of more mature eggs. But the downfall is that the longer I wait the more at risk I am for hyper stimulation (OHSS) from having too many eggs and also even higher levels of estrogen which, like I said, is very dangerous and not fun (think surgery to remove access fluid, being sick, in pain, etc). Also I would have to use a different "trigger" medicine tomorrow (for reasons that are too complicated to write on here) and studies show that people who use that med to trigger have lower pregnancy rates.

Soo because there are so many more risks with waiting we decided that we will move forward with triggering tonight at 2 AM (so specific on the timing of things!) with egg retrieval on Thursday.

Obviously the process has not gone as planned - I would have loved a perfect cycle with lots of mature eggs and no polyp in my uterus, but the fact is that the hardest things in life aren't easy which I am slowing having to learn the hard way! We are just going to move forward with lots of faith and pray for the best. We are trusting in the doctors that we have talked to and hope that things will work out how they are meant to, no matter the outcome. I just need to pray my guys out and stop worrying about things that are out of my control! Thanks for all of your love and support, you have no idea how much it means to me!

Not too happy

Actually I am not happy at all, I am MAD and frustrated and confused. Ugh!! I just want to scream. Of course my IVF couldn't go smooth and problem free, nothing has gone smooth over these last 3 years of trying to get pregnant. Can't I just get a freaking break for once?!?!

Yesterday I went in for my regular monitoring and since it was a weekend I saw the on-call doctor. When he was looking at my lining he noticed a small mass in my uterus. He acted casual about it but said that I should come back tomorrow morning (meaning today) to have Dr. Blauer take a look. Of course, since I am a stress freak, I started freaking out when I got home and bawling and was so worried all day. I had my dad and Alan give me a blessing which made me feel much better. Soo grateful to them and the Priesthood!

So I went in this morning for my ultrasound and my doctor also saw the mass. He said it looks like a small polyp which may or may not effect my ability to get pregnant. So our options are: cancel my current cycle, lose a few thousand dollars, get the polyp removed and do IVF again in a few months. OR move forward and hope that it is small enough that it won't matter and we can still get pregnant even with a small polyp in my uterus. Either way we are taking a risk so I am at a loss.

If we cancel it we lose money and have to pay more money to do it again, plus the money we have to pay for the testing and removal of the polyp. And on top of that its just more time waiting to do IVF and having to put it off yet again.

But if we do continue forward right now we take the risk of IVF not working and losing even more money if we had just cancelled it right now. And having to deal with going through all of this just for it not to work, which would be heartbreaking. Or if it does work there is the worry of miscarriage because of the polyp. If we do move forward we can only hope that we have enough eggs to freeze so, if it doesn't work, we can hopefully do a frozen cycle in the next few months after we remove the polyp.

So basically right now I am at a loss. I feel like throwing in the towel, walking away, and giving up hope that I will ever have kids. I am too mad to decide what to do right now. I am too mad to pray about it. I am frustrated with the whole thing - with my doctor for not finding it sooner, with the fact that I even have to deal with all of this crap, with the fact that nothing can go smoothly with this baby trying process - just frustrated with the whole thing basically. I am worried and confused and have been a crying mess since yesterday.

Ill update you all of what we decide. Maybe Ill have a clear mind after some takeout, Red Mango and The Bachelor! Reality TV always seems to help :)

And so it begins....

Enough of all the emotional stuff...on to the IVF process!

First step - pay for it! Eeeek! :) 

And go to an IVF training class to learn about the process and how to inject the medicine.

Second - Order the meds and have them shipped overnight to my work.

Here they are in all of their glory! Each box as 5 vials of medicine and each bag is full of needles! And don't forget my medical waste bin like in a doctor's office!

Next step - get my calendar of events so I know what and when things will be happening.  This is all based off of my results at my ultrasounds so things can vary.

Monday, February 18th I went in for my first appointment which was blood work and an internal ultrasound.  Everything looked good and they told me to start my shots that night! 

Not too excited to become a pin cushion for the next few weeks :) But at the same time super excited to finally be starting the process!! I wasn't too scared for the shots since I have given them to myself for my IUI's, but it had been since last April so I had to build up the courage again.

The next day, February 19th, I got the most amazing surprise delivery at work...

Flowers from my little sis, Katie! 

It seriously made me sooo happy (and made me cry!)  I was just truly, genuinely so happy and shocked.  The flowers are sooo beautiful and they make me so happy seeing them every day. Its amazing what something like this can do for your soul. What a perfect way to start off this process and help to have a positive attitude. THANKS sister - YOU.ARE.THE.BEST!! 

Here is my nightly process - well for right now at least.  

I get out my instructions, one vial of Low Dose HCG which is the liquid I use, 

and then 2-3 vials of Bravelle powder, also knows as FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone).  

I draw up the HCG liquid in the first syringe, put that into the first Bravelle powder.  Then switch to the syringe with the long needle (yikes! - don't worry, I don't stick that in me, it's just for mixing purposes, phew!), draw up all that liquid and pour into the next powder, continue that process until I have all of the powder I need and then switch to that third tiny needle, grab some fat on my belly and stick in the needle - easy as that! The shot doesn't scare me (anymore), it's the mixing of all the powders and liquids that gives me anxiety!

So this week I had my first appointment on Monday, the 18th and started 3 Bravelle powders, then I went in for blood work on Wednesday, the 20th and based off of those results I went down to 2 Bravelle powders for Wednesday night and Thursday night.  I went in today for an internal ultrasound and blood work and based off of that I am doing 2 Bravelle's again tonight but tomorrow I go back to 3 Bravelle and add in another shot for the next 4 days called Cetrotide which will help to keep my body from ovulating on its own - they need me to wait to ovulate until all my eggs are good and ready, at that time I will give myself another shot which will force ovulation 36 hours later and that is when I will go in for my egg retrieval - yay!! 

Here is a basic rundown of the IVF process...

So right now I go in every other day for an ultrasound and blood work and give myself one shot at night to help grow lots of follicles (eggs). At each appointment they will me if I need to change doses of my meds, etc. They will also be monitoring the progress of all the follicles that I am growing.

When the eggs are all mature and ready I take a "trigger" shot, mentioned above, and then 36 hours later I go in for the Egg Retrieval Procedure. They put me under for this procedure and go in and take out all my newly created eggs.  Then they fertilize the eggs that same day through a process called ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection).

Then they watch the eggs grow for 3 to 5 days and put two of the best ones back in me.  If we have extras we can freeze them for the future!

THEN we wait two weeks to see if it works! Think happy baby thoughts! :)

Thoughts

Not to get all emotional, but everyone always asks me "How are you doing? How are you handling this?" So I'll just put a few thoughts out there....

I am doing everything I said I would never so on my blog - getting sappy, personal, dramatic and cheesy.  Not many people know how I truly feel, I really think the only people that do are the people who have tried to get pregnant for more than 2-3 years.  Not even Alan can really know how I feel.  For one, I keep everything in (as previously stated!), and two - you can't understand this until you live it.  So I'm sorry to all of you who "tried for 6 months, or tried for a year" and "know how I feel" - you don't.  Its not a bad thing, and I know you feel like you had a hard time too, but 6 months of trying is nothing compared to over 3 years!

Throughout this process I would say that one of the hardest things has actually been feeling out of place in life.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a baby just because everyone else has kids, I obviously want to be a mom and have wanted to grow up and have babies like every other girl out there, but a big trial for me has been trying to feel okay with my life and not compare myself to others.  I am not the type of girl who whines because she is "left out", but I have just learned that Alan and our families are my best friends and the ones who will always be there for me no matter what.  It's extremely hard when all of your friends have little babies and all you want is a little baby of your own to hold and take care of.  And then its hard when your friends have older kids who all play together all the time.  Your friends can go to lunch and have play dates and hang out whenever they want because none of them work.  I get it, I understand it, but it doesn't mean that its still not hard always being the odd one out.  It's hard at church when you have nothing in common with all the other "moms" in the ward.  Its hard going on group dates when all everyone talks about is their kids, and when they want to get pregnant next and when their next play date is.  Its hard not getting invited to things anymore just because the activity is "for the kids".  Its a hard thing feeling out of place and not having things in common with people.  And its even more frustrating because its something that I desperately want but have no control over. 

It is hard having your baby names picked out that you so badly want to use.  And then other people use that name and your so mad because "I had it first!"  It hard seeing nurseries on Pinterest and wanting to pin them, but also not wanting to pin something that I might never have.  Its hard buying baby clothes and gifts for other people and so badly wanting to buy them for your own baby.  It is hard not being able to do the one thing that a woman is meant to do.  And that thing that we are commanded to do. I want to start my eternal family on Earth like we are commanded to do, but I can't. I hate hearing how easy it is for other people to get pregnant and how much people take it for granted! 

But honestly, overall - I truly think that I have a good personality for this trial and I know that Heavenly Father knew that I could handle this.  It has taken me time to realize that, but I know it's true.  Some days I don't think I can go another day, but most days I know that I am strong enough to deal with it and still be happy with my life.  I am not an over dramatic person, I am not emotional, and I can push a lot of things to the side and not let them bother me.  I am good at not thinking about things which has helped me so much through this trial - all I simply have to do is not think about it!

A part of me feels that maybe I am not meant to have my own children.  I get sooo sick on birth control and if that is any indication of how I will be pregnant, then I don't know if I can handle being pregnant!  I don't think I can handle being that sick for 9 months straight.  I also got Alopecia in high school around the time that I first started my period. My hair fell out in chunks all over my head and the doctors seemed to think that maybe it was caused from the hormones coming into my body at that age.  They said that when I get pregnant my immune system could have the same response and attack my hair follicles again.  Because of that I think that maybe I wouldn't be able to handle losing my hair?! Maybe Heavenly Father knows that I will not be able to handle those things so I may have to find motherhood through adoption, or surrogacy? 

Whatever the outcome is, I know that it is meant to be.  If I get pregnant and have my own children I will obviously be ecstatic, that is my DREAM.  If I get pregnant and am sick and bald, I only hope that I won't care because my love for my baby will be so strong that I will do anything for them, even if I am throwing up all day and don't have hair!  And if I can't get pregnant, I know that there are babies out there who need to be loved and raised by someone who loves them and can give them a better life.  

I don't know how my story will end, but I do know that it has already been written and I need to live each page day by day and continue to work on being happy with its ending!

My Story

Everyone has an infertility story, whether it is their own, their sister's, friend's, neighbor - everyone knows someone going through, or who has gone through this.  However, each story is totally different.  Here is mine....

I don't blog about this very much, well actually only once have I directly acknowledged it (which oddly enough was almost exactly 2 years ago to the day), other than that its little comments here and there.  And I'm not good with talking about thoughts and feelings, I feel like I am an open person, but at the same time I am not one to get very emotional and pour my heart out to someone.  I am really good at keeping things in. :)   I don't want to be sappy, or cheesy, or dramatic and I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and I also hate attention - so I guess those are all reasons why I have wanted my blog to be mainly pictures of the fun things going on in my life.  But this blog really is the only photo album/journal that I have, and {one day} I want to make my blog into books, so I want to look back and remember the life that I was living behind all of the fun pictures, trips and events. 

I won't bore you with every little detail - well maybe I will, for my journaling sake. :) 

So here is the "summary" of our story.....We started "trying" in December 2009. My cycles have always been really long and random so after a few months of trying I went to see my OB (Dr. Terry) to see how I could get regulated.  After some tests, he told me that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - basically I have a hormonal imbalance that affects my cycles, how many eggs I have and how big they get, issues with ovulation, etc). So I went on Clomid for a few months and did two IUI's (Artificial Inseminations) with him and nothing was working.  We thought our issues were with me because of my PCOS but we decided that we should have Alan tested  too - so we did and things weren't looking so good.  We met with a Urologist and they told him that he had a varicocele (vein blockage) that was making his counts and everything low. So in October 2010 he had surgery to remove those veins. In November 2010, a month after his surgery, we decided to meet with a fertility specialist since we knew that me and Alan both had issues, so we met with Dr. Blauer at the Reproductive Care Center in Sandy.  I left that meeting so overwhelmed and in tears because he was talking about all these tests, medicine, cost, etc. and I was just mad that I even had to deal with all of this and that I couldn't get pregnant on my own like everyone else. Then that month I happened to somehow get pregnant on no meds, no nothing! We were shocked! Told our families around New Years and all was well.  But then I went in to my 1st appointment in January 2011 they couldn't find a heart beat. They had me come in every other day because they thought that I could have just been too early. But no heart beat ever came. They saw the fetus and my levels indicated pregnancy, but the baby wasn't growing. I miscarried at 9 weeks, but the fetus only grew to 6.5 weeks. Truly, hands down, the most awful day of my entire life.  Almost out of a horror movie.  Those of you who have miscarried know what I mean.  

So I miscarried in January 2011 and took a few months for my body to get normal again and in April 2011 we met with a different specialist at the U of U, Dr. Peterson to figure things out. We liked him enough and he meets with patients in Daybreak and at the U so the locations were good for us, and we had heard great things about him.  But after a few months of being with them we quickly realized that we weren't getting the attention from him that that we wanted and needed. We thought that the U of U staff and doctors were so impersonal and they were having me take steps back! It was so frustrating. So we decided to go back to Dr. Blauer and try him out because he seemed a lot more proactive. We were having a hard time because how did I somehow, magically get pregnant on no meds, but now I can't get pregnant again?!  So we did two IUI's with them but these were much more evasive then the ones with Dr. Terry.  I went on stronger drugs and did a few shots which helped my eggs grow.  Dr. Blauer has been has been SO great to work with. I can't tell you how happy we are with the RCC (Reproductive Care Center). The staff is amazing, they all know your name, they call you back within the hour and email you back with minutes I swear! Plus they are super proactive which is what we needed. 

The IUI's were not working so in the mean time we had Alan do a special test, called the Kruger Analysis, where they test the morphology (the shape and ability to fertilize an egg).  Those results did not come back good, Alan had a 4 out of 15 which put us in the IVF category. They gave Al some vitamins to possibly help and we got him tested again 90 days later and his score jumped to an 8! We were pretty excited and did one more IUI but it didn't work.  That IUI was last April, 2012 and after that I was so over it! I needed a break. So we took the rest of the year off from the fertility meds and appointments which was a MUCH needed break!  

So in December 2012 I finally felt good about jumping in and going for Invitro Fertilization (IVF) with ICSI (where they literally fertilize the egg for you, since that is the issue that Alan has). We met with our doctor, figured out a plan, wrote the check (eeek!) and were set to start the process in January.  The first step in the IVF process is to go on birth control (counterproductive?!).  I was so nervous for that part because when I went on them when I got married I was soo sick, I was scared it was going to happen again.  And yep - it did. I couldn't stop throwing up. So my nurse said to go off it and we will do IVF when my cycle starts on it's own.  So I patiently waited a good 30 days, no period of course - I have never had a 30 day cycle in my life! So they put me on progesterone pills to get it going.  I started on Monday, Feb. 18th, went in to the doctor and the story my will continue from there.....!

grateful

Time for some more Mormon Messages! I saw these two the other day and thought they were so fitting for this week. I have so much to be grateful for this year. The main thing that I have learned this year is how grateful I am for such an amazing family and friends. You all have done sooo much for me this year and showed me so much support. I cant thank you all enough for caring about me so much! I have also learned {and am still trying to learn} to take advantage of all the small and simple moments and not worry so much about what I don't have, and to be happy with what I do have.

Happy Thanksgiving!

blessings

I saw this quote on Pinterest and saved it on my desktop as a reminder that the hard times will pass and that I need to stay close to the Lord. This is a quote from my favorite Mormon Message, Good Things to Come. I get teary-eyed every time I watch it. Most of the time I feel like I am the only one going through a hard time and I have to slap myself in the face and realize that I really am so blessed in my life.

I try to watch a few Mormon Messages every Sunday and yesterday I came across this one. It made me bawl like a baby that's for sure! But it helped me realize that I am not alone and that others have hard times too. It is such a blessing to know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows what I can and cant handle. Its hard to admit but sometimes I feel like my testimony struggles because I'm not getting the things that I want, but I know that I am meant to stumble across quotes or videos or scriptures or people that snap me back into shape. That is why I am especially excited for conference this year! Anyways, sorry to get all gushy. Here is the video!

thanks

i am so grateful for all of you...for the best friends, family and loyal blog readers a girl could ask for! thanks for reading my sob story and caring about me. my cute aunt polly wrote a post about support systems and getting through the hard times and i couldnt help but cry {while sitting at work.} i know a lot of you have gone through/are going through the same thing as me, or maybe you will never experience this in your life but you have your own trials and hard times...whatever we are all going through its amazing to know that we all have such a strong support systems to help us through the good and bad times.

xoxo

lets try this again.

february 1st was going to be my new january 1st. but now im thinking march 1st will be!
its only been 6 weeks since 2011 started and i already need a fresh start. im just not sure if im quite ready for it yet.

2011 has been, well lets say....not the best so far. but i dont want to have a horrible start to a new year when new years means a clean slate, new goals, a positive outlook. therefore i am starting o v e r. right now. or soon!

after having an exhausting year last year that included: doctors, pills, surgery, insemination's, specialists, blood tests, kits, thermometers, supplement insurance, lots of money spent and to end the year with a positive test-we thought the hard part was over and we were ecstatic.

until we started the new year with news that things didnt progress as far as they should have and things werent going to progress any further. i was heartbroken. i took the pills, i had one horrific day (that ended up lasting a few weeks....with the added bonus of a sinus infection and a husband with bronchitis, fun times) and here we are. pregnantless, still.

im not one to talk about emotions, especially on my blog. after all, blogs are to show everyone how perfect our lives are, right?! well after this year i have realized that life isnt perfect, life cant be planned, and i cant compare myself to others, as hard as it is not to. so like i said, i dont really talk about my feelings, but i can write them. so here i am, blogging about it. not asking for sympathy because i dont want that. i know that fertility problems are common, i know that miscarriages are common, but i never thought that all of this would happen to me. i always thought i would grow up to be the perfect mom to 4 perfect kids and not have any problem doing it, but i am obviously meant to learn a little more before that can happen.

this has definitly been a very hard trial in my life, one that i never expected but one that i am trying to learn and grow from. i know that i am meant to be a mom, someday, somehow and i have learned that it is not on my time.

so for now i have to learn to be happy with what i have been blessed with. i have to learn to be happy for my friends and family who can get pregnant and have their babies instead of being jealous of them, i have to learn to not cringe when i know someone, who has a 6 month old, announces that she had an accident and is trying to "get used to the idea" of having another baby, i have to learn that i dont need new friends just because I am the only one without kids.

i have to remember that i have an amazing husband and we have so much fun together with just the two of us, i have to remember that i have a great job and live in a great neighborhood in the perfect house for us, i have to remember that just because my friends have kids and i dont-they are still the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, i have to remember that i have the best family in the world and i would be lost without them, i have to remember how nice it is to be able to do what i want, when i want, how i want and that when i have kids that will change, and most importantly i have to remember that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, a plan that i once agreed to and knew i could handle. as hard as life may seem right now, i know, without a doubt, that things really will work out in the end. i will get my babies one day, even though it is not happening how or when i want. i have to remember that my Heavenly Father is there for me and wont let me down and i have to remember that He knows what is best for me.

i need to thank all of you who have been so supportive and understanding during this time. i know that this is common so i wasnt expecting a thing from anyone. i didnt want to make a big deal about this. but this isnt common to me and it has been extremely difficult, sad and exhausting to go through and i have never been more full of gratitude in my life. it has made me realize what a thoughtless person i am when friends and family are going through a hard time!! thank you for the phone calls, texts, cards, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, meals, flowers, and more. i truly, honestly, do not know where i would be without all of you! i cant thank you all enough! from friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, ward members, and more...i really do have the most amazing people who surround me each and every day. i love you all!!

i am trying to move on, to get over this. i needed, and still need a little break from life. hence the facebook deletion and blog privatizing! i need time away from hearing about everyone elses life, from hearing about baby annoucements, i need time away from the computer to get caught up on life and my feelings, i need to time to stop comparing myself to others. even though this is a downer post, i feel like i need to get these feelings off my chest in order to move on. im sure the blog will be unprivate soon and i'll be back facebooking about the bachelor in no time, but for now i need a little more time on my own.

if you know me well, you know that i am a planner, a list maker, a dayplanner checker, a schedule maker....but a late to everything, type of girl. my life isnt panning out how i planned, my life "to-do" list isnt getting checked off as quick as i would like, but i guess my unpunctual personality is rubbing off on my life plans! i always get to where i need to go, it just takes me a little longer. i always tell Al that my life just runs 10 minutes behind everyone else's. i guess now my life is trying to tell me that.....thing will happen, it just might be 10 minutes later than i expected!

a.little.too.repetitve.

Today is Groundhog Day.

I wouldnt have remembered but the Z Morning Zoo reminded me. When I heard that, it dawned on me....my life is like Groundhog Day (the movie).

I wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Every. Single. Day. Is it bad that I feel this way?

Maybe I am just in a rut because of the downer year I have had so far. But I need a change, stat. Whether it be a new hair style, a vacation, some new clothes.....I just need something to change! Not that I have a bad life, I have a great life. It's just getting a little.too.repetitive.


I am getting a sick of the alarm going off, hearing "I Got You Babe", seeing Ned Ryerson and stepping in a huge puddle. "Am I right, or am I right, or am I right??"

Good Things to Come

I am the only one that cries every time I watch a Mormon Message? I seriously love watching them, they are so inspiring and uplifting. Watch them all HERE.

This one is one of my favorites right now, Elder Holland is an amazing speaker and I feel like this message is directed right at me to help me through the trials I am going through.

I also love the newest one, Continue in Patience.

If you haven't watched these watch them all, you wont be disappointed!