Not to get all emotional, but everyone always asks me "How are you doing? How are you handling this?" So I'll just put a few thoughts out there....
I am doing everything I said I would never so on my blog - getting sappy, personal, dramatic and cheesy. Not many people know how I truly feel, I really think the only people that do are the people who have tried to get pregnant for more than 2-3 years. Not even Alan can really know how I feel. For one, I keep everything in (as previously stated!), and two - you can't understand this until you live it. So I'm sorry to all of you who "tried for 6 months, or tried for a year" and "know how I feel" - you don't. Its not a bad thing, and I know you feel like you had a hard time too, but 6 months of trying is nothing compared to over 3 years!
Throughout this process I would say that one of the hardest things has actually been feeling out of place in life. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a baby just because everyone else has kids, I obviously want to be a mom and have wanted to grow up and have babies like every other girl out there, but a big trial for me has been trying to feel okay with my life and not compare myself to others. I am not the type of girl who whines because she is "left out", but I have just learned that Alan and our families are my best friends and the ones who will always be there for me no matter what. It's extremely hard when all of your friends have little babies and all you want is a little baby of your own to hold and take care of. And then its hard when your friends have older kids who all play together all the time. Your friends can go to lunch and have play dates and hang out whenever they want because none of them work. I get it, I understand it, but it doesn't mean that its still not hard always being the odd one out. It's hard at church when you have nothing in common with all the other "moms" in the ward. Its hard going on group dates when all everyone talks about is their kids, and when they want to get pregnant next and when their next play date is. Its hard not getting invited to things anymore just because the activity is "for the kids". Its a hard thing feeling out of place and not having things in common with people. And its even more frustrating because its something that I desperately want but have no control over.
It is hard having your baby names picked out that you so badly want to use. And then other people use that name and your so mad because "I had it first!" It hard seeing nurseries on Pinterest and wanting to pin them, but also not wanting to pin something that I might never have. Its hard buying baby clothes and gifts for other people and so badly wanting to buy them for your own baby. It is hard not being able to do the one thing that a woman is meant to do. And that thing that we are commanded to do. I want to start my eternal family on Earth like we are commanded to do, but I can't. I hate hearing how easy it is for other people to get pregnant and how much people take it for granted!
But honestly, overall - I truly think that I have a good personality for this trial and I know that Heavenly Father knew that I could handle this. It has taken me time to realize that, but I know it's true. Some days I don't think I can go another day, but most days I know that I am strong enough to deal with it and still be happy with my life. I am not an over dramatic person, I am not emotional, and I can push a lot of things to the side and not let them bother me. I am good at not thinking about things which has helped me so much through this trial - all I simply have to do is not think about it!
A part of me feels that maybe I am not meant to have my own children. I get sooo sick on birth control and if that is any indication of how I will be pregnant, then I don't know if I can handle being pregnant! I don't think I can handle being that sick for 9 months straight. I also got Alopecia in high school around the time that I first started my period. My hair fell out in chunks all over my head and the doctors seemed to think that maybe it was caused from the hormones coming into my body at that age. They said that when I get pregnant my immune system could have the same response and attack my hair follicles again. Because of that I think that maybe I wouldn't be able to handle losing my hair?! Maybe Heavenly Father knows that I will not be able to handle those things so I may have to find motherhood through adoption, or surrogacy?
Whatever the outcome is, I know that it is meant to be. If I get pregnant and have my own children I will obviously be ecstatic, that is my DREAM. If I get pregnant and am sick and bald, I only hope that I won't care because my love for my baby will be so strong that I will do anything for them, even if I am throwing up all day and don't have hair! And if I can't get pregnant, I know that there are babies out there who need to be loved and raised by someone who loves them and can give them a better life.
I don't know how my story will end, but I do know that it has already been written and I need to live each page day by day and continue to work on being happy with its ending!
8 comments:
you are such a strong woman Sarah. I admire the fact that you have had all these heartbreaking feelings, yet you still are the first one to reach out to someone having a baby or the first one to think of others when something is going on in their lives. You have a maturity that many your age don't have. You are amazing and will certainly be blessed. We never know why we get certain trials, but the lessons learned from those trials are what is important. many people never learn the lessons. you all ready have and are ready for the blessings.
I'm in tears. Love you so much!
Oh, Sar, you made me cry. Most of the time I feel like I'm doing ok with it, but every once in a while I just lose it. While no one can know exactly how you feel because every situation is different, I feel like I at least have an idea. Love you!
Love you Sar!! I know the blessings are coming soon!
i love your honesty, sarah!! thank you for writing this all out. it's so good for those of us who haven't been there to read your thoughts and know how we can help, or what we can say.. maybe just give those who struggle a big HUG.. there really is nothing to do or say to make them feel better. i am grateful you're getting this off your chest. i pray everything will work out; you will be an amazing mom. i know it. good thoughts and prayers to you. xo.
Love your honesty. We truly can't understand how how you feel, but you are helping us get a glimpse. I second Polly. You are amazing. The absolute first to volunteer or help everyone else. Being mindful is one of your gifts, and I know Heavenly Father is mindful of you. We pray for you and are so blessed that we are part of your eternal family. Tommy has cousins waiting to come to you.
ps if you are sick and bald, you will be so happy it won't matter! and we'll be over to take care of you.
I love this post. I'm in tears. All the thoughts woman have who deal with infertility (especially for a long period of time) and that we have talked about. Everyone does have their own story and their own way of handling it but there is always a common thread of thoughts that seem to come into our heads. I am here for you honestly! Please know that!! I think of you daily and especially during this time I know it is such a waiting game but I am also so excited for you!
ps my sister got really really sick on birth control and when she got pregnant we all thought she was going to have the hardest pregnancy and be sick the whole time but surprisingly she had it waaay better than any of my other sisters. Yes, she got nauseous but she did t throw up like she and all of us thought she would.
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