lets try this again.

february 1st was going to be my new january 1st. but now im thinking march 1st will be!
its only been 6 weeks since 2011 started and i already need a fresh start. im just not sure if im quite ready for it yet.

2011 has been, well lets say....not the best so far. but i dont want to have a horrible start to a new year when new years means a clean slate, new goals, a positive outlook. therefore i am starting o v e r. right now. or soon!

after having an exhausting year last year that included: doctors, pills, surgery, insemination's, specialists, blood tests, kits, thermometers, supplement insurance, lots of money spent and to end the year with a positive test-we thought the hard part was over and we were ecstatic.

until we started the new year with news that things didnt progress as far as they should have and things werent going to progress any further. i was heartbroken. i took the pills, i had one horrific day (that ended up lasting a few weeks....with the added bonus of a sinus infection and a husband with bronchitis, fun times) and here we are. pregnantless, still.

im not one to talk about emotions, especially on my blog. after all, blogs are to show everyone how perfect our lives are, right?! well after this year i have realized that life isnt perfect, life cant be planned, and i cant compare myself to others, as hard as it is not to. so like i said, i dont really talk about my feelings, but i can write them. so here i am, blogging about it. not asking for sympathy because i dont want that. i know that fertility problems are common, i know that miscarriages are common, but i never thought that all of this would happen to me. i always thought i would grow up to be the perfect mom to 4 perfect kids and not have any problem doing it, but i am obviously meant to learn a little more before that can happen.

this has definitly been a very hard trial in my life, one that i never expected but one that i am trying to learn and grow from. i know that i am meant to be a mom, someday, somehow and i have learned that it is not on my time.

so for now i have to learn to be happy with what i have been blessed with. i have to learn to be happy for my friends and family who can get pregnant and have their babies instead of being jealous of them, i have to learn to not cringe when i know someone, who has a 6 month old, announces that she had an accident and is trying to "get used to the idea" of having another baby, i have to learn that i dont need new friends just because I am the only one without kids.

i have to remember that i have an amazing husband and we have so much fun together with just the two of us, i have to remember that i have a great job and live in a great neighborhood in the perfect house for us, i have to remember that just because my friends have kids and i dont-they are still the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, i have to remember that i have the best family in the world and i would be lost without them, i have to remember how nice it is to be able to do what i want, when i want, how i want and that when i have kids that will change, and most importantly i have to remember that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, a plan that i once agreed to and knew i could handle. as hard as life may seem right now, i know, without a doubt, that things really will work out in the end. i will get my babies one day, even though it is not happening how or when i want. i have to remember that my Heavenly Father is there for me and wont let me down and i have to remember that He knows what is best for me.

i need to thank all of you who have been so supportive and understanding during this time. i know that this is common so i wasnt expecting a thing from anyone. i didnt want to make a big deal about this. but this isnt common to me and it has been extremely difficult, sad and exhausting to go through and i have never been more full of gratitude in my life. it has made me realize what a thoughtless person i am when friends and family are going through a hard time!! thank you for the phone calls, texts, cards, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, meals, flowers, and more. i truly, honestly, do not know where i would be without all of you! i cant thank you all enough! from friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, ward members, and more...i really do have the most amazing people who surround me each and every day. i love you all!!

i am trying to move on, to get over this. i needed, and still need a little break from life. hence the facebook deletion and blog privatizing! i need time away from hearing about everyone elses life, from hearing about baby annoucements, i need time away from the computer to get caught up on life and my feelings, i need to time to stop comparing myself to others. even though this is a downer post, i feel like i need to get these feelings off my chest in order to move on. im sure the blog will be unprivate soon and i'll be back facebooking about the bachelor in no time, but for now i need a little more time on my own.

if you know me well, you know that i am a planner, a list maker, a dayplanner checker, a schedule maker....but a late to everything, type of girl. my life isnt panning out how i planned, my life "to-do" list isnt getting checked off as quick as i would like, but i guess my unpunctual personality is rubbing off on my life plans! i always get to where i need to go, it just takes me a little longer. i always tell Al that my life just runs 10 minutes behind everyone else's. i guess now my life is trying to tell me that.....thing will happen, it just might be 10 minutes later than i expected!